


Silence is quieter than words

by Un_Kn0wn



Series: A grey Silence [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Drugs, Homophobia, James Madison is innocent, James Reynolds is a dick, Kinda, M/M, Mute Alexander Hamilton, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Thomas Jefferson Being an Asshole, burr is kinda a dick to but not really, first fanfic, getting drugged, im bad with tags, only for like the first 3 chap tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-02-11 23:55:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12946797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Un_Kn0wn/pseuds/Un_Kn0wn
Summary: Alex has had what some may call a traumatic past, but for him it was what all his life had been. So naturally when he went to college he assumed the worst. But when the first few people he meet seem nice he slowly lets his guard down. Biggest mistake of his life





	1. The arrival

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this on FFN so if you see it there and here don’t worry, it’s not plagiarism it’s both me. Just needed to clear that in case shit goes all ham (see what I did there?) also  
> Disclaimer I do not own Hamilton, it belongs to Lin-Manuel Miranda.  
> Anyway enjoy the story

Finally, after months of working Alex finally made it. He was in America, away from his life back in the caribbean. At least that's what he said 5 years ago, now he was 18 and facing college without a family. He was nervous of course, with all that he’d been through it was impossible not to be. He was finally free of foster homes but, what about the kids at school? His roommate would hate him and hit him just like his foster parents, he always had something coming that was less than pleasant. Because his life has been hell, life in the Caribbean and life in his foster homes. If memory serves him right all 6 of them had went from bad to worse.

First the Millers, they seemed nice when his social worker was there. But behind closed doors he was beat for even uttering a word, and god forbid he asks to eat.

Second were the Alexanders (Since then he has become Alex, not Alexander), it took them a week before they got violent and he was emitted to the hospital and they told CPS that he had “Violent tendencies” and they didn’t want him.

Third Mr Ramos, he was single man who needed something. Something Alex didn't want to provide but couldn’t stop it from happening, and Ramos told Alex that he wanted it and deserved it. He couldn’t deal with touching after he lived through that for 5 months.

Then the Palmers fourth and the Mccoys fifth, who were both almost the same as the Millers except he had so many chores that had to be done or else there were consequences.

Lastly the Morgans, they did everything he had lived through and worse, to the point where he had scars covering his back. After that, he never spoke again, it always seemed to get him in trouble anyway.

Now he was in front of Colombia University, a backpack and book bag had all of his belongings. He went up to the front desk and slid a note with his name, the secretary give him a weird look before speaking “room 207, here's your schedule, and dorm key” she handed him a paper and key and he made his way to the dorms.

He finally found the dorm and heard yelling from inside “Hercules I told you I have a roommate! He's just not here yet!” Alex shrunk into himself he hated yelling, then someone came up to him and started talking “hey are you Lafs new roommate? I'm John Laurens by the way” Alex looked up to see the most gorgeous human in his life, he had freckles covering his face like constellations and hair that looked so soft. Snap out of it he’s probably not even gay, Alex scolded himself. “Umm, hello?” Alex just realized then that he had been staring at this John Laurens for too long, he looked at the other man in fear.

Fear of what he would do to him if he spoke, fear of what would happen to this John if he got close to Alex because everyone close to him got hurt. John noticed that this mystery man was panicking “hey hey, you’re alright. Just breath, that's it in, out” Alex soon found himself breathing with this man and once he calmed down he looked embarrassed and held out his hand (the only physical contact he could bear). John took his hand and shook it, still awaiting his name but soon realized he wasn’t talking. He then heard his friends Lafayette and Hercules yelling “Hercules I do have a roommate! His name is Alexandre Hamilton!” Alex flinched at the sound of his name, “so Alexander's your name?” When John asked him this he shook his head which might have caused some confusion so he wrote his name in his journal {Alex Hamilton}. “Oh okay, you go by Alex instead of Alexander?” a slight nod was the response.

“Okay Alex, if you are Lafs roommate unlock the door” Alex did as he was told a habit built from fear. The door unlocked and John smiled “good so you aren't a liar” Alex seemed shocked that someone would assume that of him, he always did as he was told and didn't even speak. How could he have been a liar? His thoughts were cut short when he realized that someone had been talking to him.  
“Bonjour tu doives être Alexandre! Je suis Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette!”

Alex blinked, he knew French but who had a name that long? The Frenchman must have mistaken his confusion as he repeated himself “hi you must be Alexander! I am Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette!” Alex flashed a look to the other guy in the room he was HUGE, and scary. Very very scary, Alex shrunk in on himself. The guy then began to speak “sup dude I'm Hercules Mulligan, but call me Herc” As the tall broad-shouldered guy made his way to shake Alex’s hand he hid behind John who was to only one not towering over him “Alex are you alright?” Herc had since stopped moving, Alex only then realized what he had done. He blushed and stayed behind John hidden from the two tall men, Laf was the first one to break the silence “Alexandre” Alex flinched at the name so much that John felt it in his shoulder “Just Alex” John hoped that correcting his friend would help stop the shivering of this tiny man

“D’accord, Alex why are you, how you say? So scared of Hercules?” Hercules looked kind of hurt that Alex was afraid of him but how could he not be! Hercules looks a lot like Mr Palmer, and he didn't want to live through that again. Plus, the biggest difference is that Hercules has so much more muscle a hit from him would hurt, more than everyone except the Morgan's. Alex wanted to speak, to tell them sorry, because he would be such a nuisance to deal with. However he didn't say a thing.

He couldn't, talking meant getting hit, and he didn't want that anymore. So he didn't say a thing, he just stood behind John as if the he was a wall that blocked him from the dangers of the world. “Alex?” The french accent reminded him of his mom, then suddenly he was back in his house.  
________________________________________________________________  
Limp arms surround him as if trying to protect him, Alex lay there for a few minutes before realizing what had happened. His sickness had subsided, however his mother hadn't been so lucky. **His mom was dead**. She wasn't coming back ever again, he would never hear her voice. The people he trusted were his brother James and his mother, both had been long gone now.  
________________________________________________________________  
  
Alex had only noticed then that he had been crying, everyone in the room was worried. “Alex, are you alright” John wiped his tears but he only started crying more, then he felt arms wrap around him. He started to freak out, he couldn't move and it, it was the first thing that Mr Ramos did before he… before he. Alex's breathing hitched and he felt his lungs burn for air that seemed to get lost on the journey from his mouth to his lungs.

“Alex, ALEX!” John let go of the small man, it only seemed to freak him out more. “Breath Alex, breath. That’s right, In out, in and out” Slowly Alex felt himself calming down, and his lungs no longer yearned for air. He looked at the three men in the room, clearly embarrassed, “Alex what was that?” before he could take out his notebook to respond the man had been hit in the head “what the heck Laf?!?” “Hercules, ne pose pas cette question! Mon Dieu tabarnac” <Hercules> only seemed mad at the response “Laf you know I don't understand french!”

Soon enough the two were yelling at each other and Alex started to cry again. His mother and father fought a lot when he was a kid, it was his fault too. Then his father left them, and his mom had been very sad and it was his fault. “GUYS STOP” This time it had been John yelling then he motioned to Alex “You’re scaring him” the two others looked at each other and frowned “we’re sorry”. Sure, they felt bad about making Alex cry, but they also didn’t want to incur the wrath of a mad John.

After about 15 minutes of calming down Alex and explaining what Laf said to Herc they sat down on couch. Alex had begun packing away all of his things and finished within 5 minutes, which earned him some looks. “Alex, where is your stuff” Under the pressure of not knowing how to respond he croaked out “that’s all I’ve got”. This only gave him shocked expressions, but he doubts its because of what he said. He soon realized that he had spoken, and he ran to the bathroom to protect him from getting hit.

**It was all over now.**


	2. Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex lies and no one knows, but it’s justifiable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chap it came out shorter than I thought it would be XD

"Alex! Open the, open the door please. Alex open the door!" John was panicking it had only been a couple of hours and Lafs new roommate had locked himself in the bathroom. Now John was sure he'd hate them, and the boy was cute too. Laf and Herc looked pretty shaken up as well, and they all began pleading for Alex to open the bathroom door so they could make sure he was safe.

Alex however only heard menacing voices yelling at him to open the door. He was also pretty sure he heard someone threaten him by saying "Alex! Don't make me come in there!" He was so sure that these people might not have hurt him too, but then he fucked it up. Again. Like always.

John had tried saying anything to get Alex to at least open the door even by bargaining "Alex! I won't go in there just open the door so we can see that you're alright!" Laf and Herc however were going to force their way in by picking the lock, and every fan girl reading this can probably understand this is a bad idea (a/n r.i.p the fourth wall) Finally Laf got the door open, and there they saw Alex sitting with his back pressed against the wall. His hair was a mess, his hands on his ears and tears down his face.

"ALEX!" John had broken the silence rather quickly, and ran over to the whimpering boy. Alex looked so scared when he saw them and shielded himself more. "Alex, shh it's alright shh" the soft spoken words were like melody. Suddenly he heard John singing, and it was a small lullaby he heard as a child. Wait, John knew Spanish? That was not something he particularly expected but, it just reminded him of his mom in a nice way. "Màmà" Alex remembered his mom always sung this to him when he was sad. "Alex? Did you just call me mom?"

John had stopped singing because he was just called mom by someone who only spoke to him twice. Though soon after he said that Alex started to write apologies "Alex it's okay, did.." John was almost hesitant to ask but he needed to anyway "did something happen to your mom?" The words sent shivers down Alex's spine, it reminded him of nicknames like _Whore's son_ which he had hated since it made its appearance. So instead of being honest he wrote that his mom was back in his hometown and he missed her. Alex began to think I guess I am a liar like you assumed me to be.

John had seemed to believe his story so no further questioning was made. Which Alex was grateful for. But he still couldn't get that nagging voice out of his head

You're a liar Alex

no one likes liars

no one likes you

If they did they would die just like your mother and brother

Alex had tried to block out the voices but without anyone talking it was hard, but he somehow managed to appear normal as no one noticed anything. After everyone chatted and exchanged numbers John and Herc went back to their dorm which left Alex with Laf. Bored and not having anything to do Alex wrote, however as it was nearing 12:00 am Laf had told him to stop. Which Alex did despite wanting to continue, because he didn't want to get hurt.

Despite speaking though, he hadn't been hit. That alone made Alex hopeful, before whenever he said anything pain had quickly followed. Maybe college isn't like high school and foster homes.

**Maybe things would go fine after all?**


	3. New friends or a old enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Umm, Alex and Thomas knew each other? Or maybe not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how to do chapter summaries, just read it idk. I feel like they spoil the fun of not knowing what’s gonna happen.

John, Alex, Laf and Herc have been hanging out for a while but soon enough it was time for the first day of college. Alex started to get comfortable with this group of friends and has learned a few things.

John loves drawing and is amazing at it too, he also has a fascination with turtles. However no matter how many times Laf and Herc have suggested it, he never took an art major. Instead he is majoring in medicine, but he doesn't seem that excited about it.

Laf is majoring in theatre and he's actually really good at acting, which kinda scares Alex a bit because he could just be acting right now waiting for the perfect time to hurt him. He also learned that he is from France which explains the thick french accent.

Herc is a fashion design major which Alex would have never expected, like the guy looks as if he was a pro wrestler or bodybuilder. He did offer to tailor some clothes for Alex, as he thought that Alex didn't have enough stuff to survive. He also used Laf as a model a lot, so did John.

Oh, and he learned that Laf and Herc are a couple, also that John was super glad to not be the third wheel anymore.

When first day rolled around he had an idea of what to expect, lots of work, annoying classmates and the prick who made everyone's life horrible. Alex took a look at his schedule

Monday [Mock trial 12:00-12:50] [Law 1:00-2:00] [English 3:00-4:00]

Tuesday [History 9:00-10:20]

Wednesday [Mock trial 12:00-12:50] [Law 1:00-2:00] [English 3:00-4:00]

Thursday [History 9:00-10:20]

Friday [Mock trial 12:00-12:50] [Law 1:00-2:00] [English 3:00-4:00]

Alex grinned he loved the idea of a law major, and now with a minor of English and history it was perfect. Sadly Laf and Herc had morning classes, so he invited John over.

"Hey Alex!" John beamed, his smile is so beautiful. Wait did he just think that, no because there is no way he likes someone, they'd just get hurt. Alex shook his head trying to rid himself of the thoughts. "Alex buddy, ya good there?" Alex nodded a bit to enthusiastically than he had planned. Eventually he and John sat down on the couch.

"Alex." John had some seriousness in his tone, this is what Alex expected. Them alone and John confessing his hatred towards him. "Have you ever learned sign language?" Wait… what? That's not what he had anticipated, he assumed he looked shocked because John had already begun apologizing "sorry, sorry, sorry, it's just, my cousin is mute and he uses sign language to talk. So I was wondering if you knew some because then we could have conversations easier. But I don't want you to just feel pressured to learn because of me and I'm sorry, it was a bad idea"

If Alex was a speaker he would have cut him off, but he wasn't so he just sat there; listening to the whole rant. Alex grabbed his notebook to respond and he looked to see John watching him ever so intensely. He grabbed his pen (the cheap ones from the dollar store) and wrote.

{John, it's alright. I understand that you did not mean to offend me in any way, shape or form. Knowing this I do not take offense by anything you said, therefore you must not feel obliged to apologize. Also, to answer your question, sadly I have never learned sign language though I would not mind being taught if you had free time.

Ham}

John had read the letter relatively fast, and he looked in thought before speaking "I could teach you after your history classes, I have free time than" Alex nodded, deciding against turning down the offer. Soon enough it was time for Alex to head out, he waved goodbye to John and made his way to his first class.

Once there he took a seat near the back, they got picked less to answer questions. He noticed a man that sat next to him, very plain. He swore that this kid was some generic boring character from a tv show. The other man had decided to introduce himself "hello, my name is Aaron Burr I look forward to having this class with you" Aaron had held out his hand and Alex shook it for what he judged a decent time (3.425 seconds).

The man seemed to be awaiting his name and Alex panicked, quickly reaching for his notebook. Swiftly turning to the page from when he first met John. The man seemed to have a look of disbelief on his face "Alex, you know it's almost impossible to pass this class without talking. So you need to find a way to speak in front of everyone." Alex had not thought about that, but… if he had to talk, surely he wouldn't get hit right?

He opened his mouth to speak when suddenly a man wearing too much magenta one should be legally allowed to own barged in on their conversation "Aaron Burr, I believe you should be aware that that is my seat" Burr got up and left far quicker than Alex would have anticipated.

Soon this flamboyant man turned to Alex "and you who are you? Please don't tell me you're another talk less, smile more bullshitter like Burr" That really annoyed Alex, no one should talk about someone like that. He stood from his desk and spoke though his voice was scratchy from not being used often. "And who might you be to dictate how other people should act? Especially when you look like you got trucked with an eggplant" The other man only laughed "I like you, you got spunk. However you did say i looked like an eggplant so.." Alex barely had time to clear his confusion before he got a blow to the face.

Alex held a hand up to his cheek, that would definitely leave a bruise; he's learned to identify bruises from getting hit so much. The man sneered at him "what? Have nothing else to say? Why don't we start with names? I'm Thomas Jefferson" Alex didn't know what to do, it seemed the ma- Mr Jefferson wanted a response but he just hit him for talking. Wouldn't he get hit either way. It couldn't hurt, could it? "Alex Hamilton"

Thomas couldn't believe his ears, Alex?! That kid hasn't changed, all those snarky comments and that fiery attitude. He knew him in Seventh grade up until he left in Eighth, he wasn't very good at english so Thomas assumed he was an immigrant. " 'm sorry could you repeat that?" Alex gulped, did he want to hit him after making him talk, if that was the case he shouldn't be talking anymore. But what if not talking in this situation gets him hit, what should he do. It seems like no matter what he does it ends in him getting hit!

"His name is Alex Hamilton." This time it had been Burr talking. Thomas still couldn't believe it "wait, didn't you hate it when people called you Alex? Back in seventh you always went by Alexander, something about getting to close to people." Wait? Did this guy know him, hmm in seventh grade... that was when he first moved to America, He must've still had dreams then. Surely this guy would notice that he has changed…

Unless you pretend to be the same as your old self around him

Alex that's the only way for anyone to know your weaknesses

Alex decided he needed needed to do this, to keep his secret. Or else people would use it against him. He knew this man was waiting a response though "Well things change, and i go by Alex now. So never EVER call me Alexander" that should make him seem like his old self, especially since he hasn't seen him in years. "That's not like you Alex, why are you trying to sound threatening?" This is it, his cover was blown.

Just say you hate him, that'll make this easier. He won't have a reason for talking to you anymore

His voice was right, it was the only way out of this mess "That's because i don't like you, now get outta my face!" Thomas just stood there in shock, sure he picked on the boy back than but.. He was a changed man, he just wanted to make things right. Thomas shook his head, this is a sign from god that things were better before. If Alex wasn't going to like him, he might as well hate him. At least then he had control over why, then nothing Alex says will matter.

When class started Alex was so engrossed in the lesson, they learned of what to do in court and the teacher even showed them an example of a good defense and good prosecution. He didn't even notice Jefferson mumbling.

**“As soon as this class is done you'll hate me Alex, just you wait."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm so let me know what you guys think, I’ll try my best to improve.


	4. Tell no one

Once class was over Alex needed to use the restroom, it took him a while before he found the men’s washroom but he found it nonetheless. Only when he went to wash his hands did Alex notice a magenta blob behind him, not even 3 seconds later a hand was clamped onto his mouth. “You better not yell, Hamilton, also don’t tell anyone or you won't be the only one” soon Alex felt himself getting hit.

It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Alex, however it hurt more do to the fact that he had only started to relax. It was about 5 minutes until Jefferson had stopped, Alex had attempted to stand and just barely succeeded even with the support of the sink. He looked in the mirror and realized that there was no way he could go to class looking like this, but he couldn’t exactly return to the dorm either because Laf was there.

Pathetic, can’t even go home because you fucked shit up too much.   
Laf probably wouldn’t even care and he’d just ignore you   
I mean who wants to deal with you?   
Not your father, nor your mother, even your brother found a way out.

Alex decided on the latter, as Laf wouldn’t even bat an eye. It’s not like he was obligated to be concerned, or even acknowledge his existence. Boy was Alex wrong, the moment he walked in all he could hear was the sound of someone concerned speaking french. “Merde! Alex qui avait fait ça à toi!? Est-ce que ça fait mal? Vient, j’ai une trousse de premier secours. Puisque tu ne peux pas laisser faire toute ces blessures!” (Shit! Alex who did that to you! Does it hurt? Come here, I have a first aid kit, because you can’t just leave all this injuries untreated!)

Alex merely shrugged, he’s been through worse, even the Millers packed more of a punch. Everything seemed fine when Laf was bandaging him up until he heard his least favourite phrase “Alex I think you have to go to the hospital. I mean your wrist looks broken, or at the very least a sprain” That was when Alex snapped back to reality, due to his nervous state and lack of ability to write (it had been his right hand injured) he spoke “No no no, I… I C-Can't g-g-go t-to th-the hos-hospi-pital!”

Laf noticed the nervousness of Alex, and not knowing what to do called John. He knew he was in class but this was an emergency and he had no idea what to do in these situations. Luckily for Laf, John did pick up the phone “Laf what do you want, you know I’m in class right now and I can’t exactly waltz up ‘n leave for some stupid reason.” Laf didn’t even care that John was ticked off “John, John it’s Alex, he came home beaten up and I think we have to go to the hospital because his wrist looks broken, but.. He just seems so terrified and I don’t know what to do, please please help me out here?”

John was shOOk, Laf rarely admitted that he couldn’t do something or had no clue what he was doing. It took him a while to compose himself “okay Laf, I’m on my way. Just, hang in there and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” John ended the call, quickly before Mr. Washington caught him. Now came the hard part, he got up to leave, however the teacher notice him.

“Mr. Laurens, where do you think you’re going?” John stood there, not really knowing what to do except answer the question “umm, I have to leave. You see it’s a bit of an emergency” Washington looked concern from what John could see but slowly nodded “very well, I hope everything is okay” John didn’t hesitate to leave, using all self control to hit bolt over to Laf and Alex’s dorm.

_10 minutes later_

John bursts through the door “where is he?!” He wouldn’t admit it but he started to fall in love with the shorter man, so it really concerned him when Laf called as he had no clue what state Alex was in. Once inside he saw Alex crouched in a corner mumbling something, he walked up slowly to Laf who looked dumbfounded “mon ami, I have no clue what he’s saying, it sounds like Spanish and I’m pretty sure you know some” John only nodded and slowly sat beside Alex, listening to everything he was saying.

“No por favor no quiero ir, esto duele por favor pàresse” ( no, please stop, it hurts please stop) John had stopped listening as tears poured down his cheeks, he wasn’t sure what happened but those pleas sounded all too familiar to him. The pleas he used when his father… got angry. Let’s just say, it wasn’t a fun time for him. He turned to the Frenchman “Laf, don’t take him to the hospital, it’ll make this worse. As for his wrist it isn’t broken so I can take of it here, but I am concerned for him. He said some things that hint to an… unpleasant past..”

Lafayette was confused at this point, what did John mean by an unplesa-

_Flashback_

_“Laf, what do I do? He hits me whenever I so much as blink when I’m not permitted! Like how do I explain that?”_

_“Mon ami! Just say you have an, umm and unpleasant past. It doesn’t go to much into it and people would back off from asking about your history”_

_Flashback over_

Now it was Laf’s turn for the waterworks, he never would have guessed that Alex had lived through something that bad. It still wasn’t guaranteed, maybe John misunderstood the situation. But they didn’t have the time to contemplate whether Alex was abused or not, they had to take care of him now.   
Laf hurriedly crouched down next to John “Mon ami, what can I do to help?” John was a little startled by Lafayette, even so he started to think of jobs for him “Laf you could, get some water, a large shirt or piece of fabric, something to use as a splint, and whatever else you think Alex might need when he calms down.” Laf nodded and swiftly went to search for the items.

As John was trying to bring Alex back to reality he headed snoring, Alex had fallen asleep. John realized how cute the man looked when he was sleeping, hair all in his face, his face relaxed, though, he would have looked better without the tear streaks.

Laf returned with the aforementioned items, so John got to work. He tied the splint around Alex’s wrist and made a sling with the fabric, he set aside the water and painkiller Laf got for when Alex awoke. It wasn’t long when they saw Alex moving, “Alex! Are you alright, need some painkillers? Laf got some, and I tied up your wrist because it’s sprained so you can’t use it for a couple weeks.” Alex just nodded slowly, but as he went to reach for the painkiller he remembered something. He couldn’t tell anyone about what happened, otherwise someone else would get hurt, and if anyone deserves it it’s him.

“Alex? Es-tu bien?” (Alex? Are you good?) Alex nodded and took the painkillers, and suddenly his friends expressions changed. “Alex..” he turned his head to look and John, worried for what he was about to say “who… did this to you?”

**There it was, the one question he couldn’t answer**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bam new chapter, tell me what y’all think. Also don’t get too mad a Jefferson yet, he has his reasons


	5. Who did this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post, if I have the time i’ll Make a one-shot into Alex’s past and I guess it can be read as a prequel one shot? Idk, i’ll Figure it out soon enough. Anyway enjoy the chapter

“Alex.. Who did this to you?”

Alexander sat there not really knowing what to do, if he told John this could be done and over with but his freckled acquaintance could just end up getting hurt. John however was sitting beside Alex patiently waiting, even though he doesn’t expect an answer. Then, John noticed the shaking, he quickly took Alex’s Hand and sung the same lullaby from before.

“ _Los pollitos dicen, pio pio pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tiene frío. La gallina busca, el maíz y el trigo. Les da la comida, y les presta abrigo”_

Alex felt himself calming down, he remembered how his mother sound this to him whenever he was scared. For him, this song was how his mother treated him, because despite all the challenges she had always kept him and James warm and fed. Until she.. until she… through all the commotion of his memories he didn’t notice Laf leave the dorm.

Just as Alex was beginning to start balling the last verse of the song started, and he couldn’t help himself from singing along. Though, it was more a mumble than singing.

“ _Bajos sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Duermen los pollitos hasta el otro días.”_

He smiled weakly at John, because somehow he always knew how to make him feel better. John would have been mesmerized by the smile if it had not been so forced, it was almost as if he hadn’t smiled in years, which broke his heart. However he still smiled back, hoping it would encourage the man to smile more often. “So Alex, you gonna tell me who beat you up yet?” He tried to make it sound casual as to not make Alexander uncomfortable again.

Alex stayed quiet, he was thinking of the consequences of telling and not telling, until that stupid voice in his head had to ruin his thought process.

Do not concern John into this matter  
He doesn’t really care, he just feels socially obligated to ask  
You wouldn’t want to be the reason HE gets hurt would you?  
Everything about you is terrible  
I mean you can’t even deal with your own problems.

Alex had decided to not say anything, John need not concern himself with his problems anyway. It was his own fault anyway. “N-no o-ne” he then noticed John sigh “Alex, you have to tell someone. They could end up seriously hurting you if this continues!” John hadn’t meant to yell at the end, he was just getting frustrated. He also assumed Alex would have another panic attack but he was wrong “JOHN THIS ISN’T YOUR PROBLEM AND YOU CAN’T KNOW OR ELSE HE WILL HURT YOU!”

Alex and John were both dumbfounded, Alex had also grown fearful eyes before John started to reassure him “Alex don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you in any way, In fact I’m taking a few steps back and if YOU want to close the space you can but please don’t run off” the desperation and sincerity surprised Alex almost more than him yelling, he took a few steps forward after John took his 10 paces back. Slowly he closed the gap.

One step  
Two steps  
Three steps  
Four steps  
Five  
Six  
Seven (no Philips were hurt in the writing of this fanfic, can’t say the same about the musical though, I’m sorry [no i'm not])

But then he stopped, what was he going to do. Even with the sincerity in his voice how did he know that John wasn’t just a really good actor, but the look on John's face told a different story, there was no malice or hate, just tenderness and love. He took those finals steps, and inched closer until he wrapped arms around John. He also took the precautions of whispering “please don’t hug back, I’m not good with physical contact to begin with”

It might have took all his self control but John hadn’t so much as put his arms down, suddenly he felt tears wet his shirt. Was Alex crying?! He almost didn’t know what to do but decided to talk “hey Alex, are you alright?” and That's when Alex broke down into a sobbing speaking mess “I just.. it was J-Jefferson, he-he did this t-to me. B-but I c-can ha-andle I-it o-on my, my own. D-don’t worry a-ab-bout m-me.”

John didn’t know wether to feel happy or sad, because he finally got Alex to open up a little but Jefferson had already started to pick on him. He decided to just whisper sweet nothings into his ear “it’s alright, everything is fine, you don’t have to fight this on your own, Herc, Laf and I are all here for you, don’t worry..”

 

* * *

 

  
Meanwhile Jefferson was ranting to his best friend. “Jemmy I don’t know what to do?! How do I apologize to him? I was just angry that he said he hated me and I wasn’t thinking, but what if he told someone? I don’t want to become like them!” James Madison, one of Jefferson’s only friends listen intently “well why'd you hit him in the first place?” Thomas stopped pacing in the moment “because, because I didn’t want him to turn his back on me, so figured if I never look him facing forward he wouldn’t have the chance. Still, you have to understand that I didn’t mean to, I know there were better ways to deal with this and that I shouldn't have done what I did”

Thomas halted his words, he looked at Madison for an answer “Tommy, I think you need to find him tomorrow and just give an honest apology. However I can’t guarantee that he’ll forgive you, and you can’t keep letting the past affect the future. You need to learn to forget about George and Charles, they weren’t real friends.”

Jefferson had been ‘friends’ with Charles Lee and George Frederick for 2 years until they both suddenly turn their backs on him and started to beat him up everyday and spread rumours that seemed like only teenage girls would believe. Although according to the rest of the school he was the “psychotic freak who tries to murder his friends.” And it really stung, since then he has had a hard time being nice to anyone except Laf and Jemmy.

In that moment Jefferson decided he would make it up to Alexander, he didn’t know how yet but it was time for brainstorming with James.

 

* * *

 

  
Back to John and Alex

“Alex, Laf is friends with Jefferson so I can get him to have him stop.” Alex had then reacted “You, you can’t tell him! Because then Jefferson will know I told And he’ll, he’ll” soon he was sobbing again “I.. I just don’t want to drag you into this” and John's heart broke in two, he sympathized the man, though he knew how much it would probably annoy Alex if he told him so he stayed silent.

It was a few minutes before one of them even dare speak “Alex, don’t worry Jefferson won’t be able to come near you or me when Laffy-Taffy gets a hold of this story” Alex couldn’t help but giggle at the nickname and John seemed to take notice, mainly because it was the first genuine smile he’s seen from the man “oh you like the nickname? Why don’t I give you one how about, hmm Lexi?” John thought it sounded cute, and he couldn’t wait to have their group of friends all calling him Lexi.

Alex however had a hard decision to make, Lexi was the nickname his mother and brother had called him. He thought that no one else would bring up the nickname but, maybe he might allow John to call him that. It was the least he could do, John has been so sweet and kind to him just like his mother and brother. “Only you” he mumbled, but John didn’t hear him “what?” At this point Alex was blushing realizing how it sounded like those couple pet names when John called him it “O-only you can call me Lexi” John seemed a little disappointed though he quickly got over it at realizing that it was special for him to call Alex a cute nickname.

“So Lexi, about Laf..” Alex had sighed, he would end up calling Laf anyway, not point in fighting it off. “Fine, Jacky” He figured that he could give John a cute nickname too until he saw John looking fearful, “W-what d-did y-you c-c-call m-me?” Alex had looked uncertain but repeated himself nonetheless “Jacky…” next thing he knew John was bawling “Lexi, I know you just wanted to give me a cute nickname but not that. I have some bad memories from that one so, try and think of something else?” Alex had reluctantly agreed, he knew how it felt but had like the nickname. Know he would have to find a new one or wait until Jacky wasn’t such a painful one. After the whole nickname ordeal, John was calling Laf

_Ring ring_

-“hey Laf, he’s fine now. I mean I don’t know where you went but we need you heere”

-“okay John, I just went to by some comfort food because I figured ‘who doesn’t want to eat junk food when they’re sad’”

-well, come back soon, we need you to take care of someone

Laf was soon at the door, he waited for an explanation of what he needed to do. “Laf we need you to make sure this never happens again, because it was one of your ‘friends’” Lafayette was shocked at John’s malice tone when he said friends, Alex as well. However Laf listened to the entire story, grinding his teeth as he heard Alex describe the beating, he nearly broke his tooth by grinding when he heard who did it. After story time Laf had left again

_**You are so dead you macaroni fucker.** _


	6. Disney

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the prequel for Alex’s past will probably be posted tomorrow, but keep in mind it won’t be a chapter into this story, it’ll be its own independent one shot that’ll be connected by a series thingy

Laf had been calling the same number for 5 minutes straight until said person answered it, he could almost hear how nervous the man sounded

-“Lafeyette, mon ami. Es-tu bien, pourquoi tu m’appelles?”

-“NE JOUE PAS DES JEUX AVEC MOI!”

-“Laf, he told you didn’t he, I.. I can explain, I didn’t mean to”

At this point Jefferson was starting to sound scared, and anyone else who knew Laf couldn’t blame him. The french fry could be terrifying if he truly wished to be, in second grade the teacher wouldn’t let him play with the other kids because he hadn’t finished his lunch. So he threw the classroom printer at her, no one knew how he could throw one at that age but he did nonetheless.

-“Thomas, tu as perdu ton privilège de m’appeler ‘Laf’”  
And with that, he hung up the phone on Thomas who was still shaken by the whole situation. He hopelessly looked over to Madison “Jemmy, I’m fucked. Laf found out and he is going to kill me” James didn’t know what to say, it’s not like he could protect Jefferson if given the chance “Well it’s not like I could save you so, I think you just have to face Laf like a man. I mean maybe you’ll see what it felt like for Alex to get beaten up and not have the chance to defend himself.”

As much as he hated to admit it, Mads was right, he had to face Lafayette and not run away from his mistakes. Thomas spent the time he had left to prepare himself from the wrath of Laf, so when the doorbell rang he walked over and opened the door. “Écoute monsieur ‘je peut attacker les amis de Lafayette’ je montera quoi t’as fait à Alex!” Laf showed no mercy when he punched Jefferson, he then began to yell in french, telling him to never show his face to any of his friends ever again. He also got a few more punches during his ran, and then left with a few parting words “Si Alex dit que t’as encore lui fait mal je reviendrai, puis j’aurais moins de patience”

After the encounter Lafayette went to rejoin John and Alex “sorry for taking so long.. but Jefferson shouldn’t bug you anymore, if he does just tell me.” Alex still seemed anxious “Are… are you sure?” He eyes pleaded for some type of reassurance that everything with Jefferson would be fine. “Well I can’t guarantee, but I can say for certain that he’ll regret it if he does” Laf smiled at Alex, hoping to give him some kind of reassurance, bough things still seemed tense in the room.

John thought there was too much tension in the air and decided to lift it by watching movies “hey guys what Disney movie do you want to watch?” Laf had been quick with his suggestion “Frozen!” which only earned groans from John “geez Laf you pick that movie every time, ever heard of diversity?”. The Frenchman only giggled at this “But mon ami! It’s a good movie!”

But John had had enough of frozen so he turned to Alex “Hey Lexi what Disney movie do you want to watch?” Alex had seemed uncomfortable at the question and John took notice “Lexi? What’s wrong?” Alex was only able to mutter a small “I don’t know Disney movies” which was barely audible. “What mon ami?” This time Alex spoke louder “I’ve never seen a Disney movie..” though it was still just above a whisper “Lexi, how have you never seen a Disney movie?” Now Alex was uncomfortable again, this was exactly his worry when coming to the US for the first time. He felt like he wouldn’t know the popular things or customs of the new environment, though nowadays that was the last of his worries. “We… I… I’ve never seen one, is-is that weird?” John didn’t realize how sensitive Alex was about the subject and was quick to backtrack “no it’s not weird at all! Just a little uncommon but whatever let’s watch Frozen since you’ve never seen it.” And they did, though Laf singing every single song wasn’t necessary.

After the movie Laf and John turned to Alex “So Lex, what’d you think of it?” Alexander didn’t know what to say, it wasn’t particularly bad, but he felt like it lacked some grave danger. It was pretty much ‘boohoo the world is cold, oh and some girl is going to die’ and even though the latter is less effective on him the cold doesn’t seem like it would be that bad. “I guess… it lacked any real problem.. I mean people die all the time… and the cold isn’t that bad” Alex had looked so uncertain that he was even allowed to say that, but then Laf took away all the tension in the room “Well I guess you could say-” John knew where this was going “You baguette don’t you dare” but his pleas were left unheard “the cold never bothered him anyway” the joke only earned groans from John “see this is why I don’t watch Disney movies with you anymore!” It seemed as if all the tension in the room was forgotten, and Alex felt himself relax again.

“So I guess we should start the next movie then, how about The Little Mermaid?” Now it was Lafs turn groan “mon ami, it’s a great movie but… don’t you think it’s really dumb, I mean she blindly trust this octopus bitch and then is forced to make this guy fall for her without talking, I think it’s all superficial” Alex was still trying to make sense of what kind of movie they were about to watch was “uh-umm” he tried to intervene to ask but it seemed like John and Laf only bickered about what movie to watch.

Its because you couldn’t choose a movie Alex  
It’s your fault they’re fighting  
It’s all your fault  
Your fault

Alex was trying hard to suppress this voice in his head, so he decided talking would keep his mind off it “What is the movie even about?” Upon hearing Alex both John and Laf stopped talking, until former broke it “well basically Ariel saves Eric and sings to him but leaves so she isn’t discovered because she’s a mermaid. Then her father finds out, breaks her stuff and she gets tricked into making a deal with Ursula to grow feet so she can go on land and find Eric again. But the thing is she traded her voice and he doesn’t kiss her within 3 days she will never regain it, and she’ll tune back into a mermaid” John casually left the storm part out, deeming it an unimportant surprise. He honestly loved this movie, and even though Laf had a point in saying it was artificial, he thought Alex would enjoy it too.

 **He couldn’t have made a bigger mistake**  

 

 


	7. Movie night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to post, with exams and personal issues I hadn’t had enough time for writing. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter.

The three were about to watch the movie when suddenly Laf blurted out “hey mon ami, before we start can we invite Herc, I just checked the time and his class should be over now” John could see no reason of why to object so he approved. After about 15 minutes Herc finally arrived “I hope we’re not watching frozen” the other two just giggled at this, but Alex couldn’t, he was still a little scared scared of Herc, despite hanging out with him plenty of times. But with him barging in and talking loudly he just couldn’t speak, luckily he spoke rarely to begin with so no one would notice.

  
“Herc, Alex and I already had to endure that torture on our own” herc just chuckled in response, he laid down next to Laf, fortunately on the side furthest away from Alex. “So, is everyone settle in?” Laf looked at everyone to see if they were all ready, they all told Laf to start the movie when John looked at Alex, “you good?” To which he received a slight nod. Soon enough the movie was starting and everything seemed fine, even Alex seemed to like it, and John felt happy that he managed to pick something out that he liked.

  
It wasn’t until around 13 minutes into the movie that Alex curled in on himself slightly. It was the scene where king trident was yelling at Ariel and he tried his hardest to not have a panic attack. It just reminded him of being yelled at, or even his mom getting yelled at by his father. Luckily he was able to keep some kind of composure and not hyperventilate, but he did seem to unconsciously latch on to John's arm. John didn’t move away, be it that he noticed how much he was shaking or just didn’t care, Alex didn’t know.

  
John had felt Lexi grab onto his arm and tried to hide the blush forming on his cheeks. He tried to distract himself by watching the movie but felt his eyes flick between the screen and Alex every five seconds. Finally at vaguely 22 minutes the storm scene was coming on, and if everyone wasn’t so focused on the screen someone might have seen the way Alex was shaking and hyperventilating. It wasn’t until they heard sobbing that they looked to see Alex in the midst of a panic attack.

  
Alex felt his breath quicken and, holy shit he couldn’t breathe… memories of that little boy who died… his brother dying trying to save him… his only family all dying before his own eyes… all those people he should’ve been able to save 

* * *

“ _Help!” “Someone help us!” “Please! I’m dying!” Alex could hear everyone screaming for help, cries of pain and agony. Alex started to cry as he yelled out “I’m sorry! I’m stuck! I’m sorry, sorry sorry sorry” he repeated those words like a mantra. Until he heard a familiar voice cry out for help “I’m drowning! Someone help me!” It was his brother… the one who is going to die after trying to save him. He was so useless, he witnessed his mother die, his brother dying, the death of his uncle and an innocent little boy. He just brought death upon everyone he met, it’s his fault… his entire down is going to die because he’s a curse to humanity. He started crying harder and just wished that he could die along with everyone here_

* * *

“Sorry sorry sorry, I’m stuck, sorry sorry, please forgive me… I’m sorry sorry…” All three of the others were confused by Alex’s sudden change, and it took a few moments for John to even realize what was happening. But the moment he noticed he sprung into action, “Lex.. can you hear me? If you can blink twice” he waited a few seconds but after receiving no response tried again “Lex.. try to focus on me.. listen to my voice” still nothing, and then there was a crash of lighting on the tv and Alex starting crying more “I’m sorry… I can’t… it’s all my fault… I’m sorry… sorry”

  
John quickly told Laf to turn of the tv, while Laf did as asked John tried to get Lexi’s attention by holding his hands “Lexi… can you to look at me” Finally he saw Alex’s eyes focus on him and tried to keep their focus “Lex blink twice if you can hear me..” two blinks, “Lexi try to breath with me, in… hold for four… out” John continued to breathe large exaggerated breaths so Alex could hopefully follow along. Slowly but surely Alex’s breath evened out, though he was still seemed skittish and was crying.

  
During the time John took to calm down Alex, Herc and Laf decided to make hot chocolate. The pair returned each holding two mugs, and they set them down on the coffee stand “is he alright now?” John didn’t really know if Alex was completely okay but he seemed better than before, “Well I think he’s getting there”. Soon they heard the small man speak again “sorry…” at first they thought he was going back into his panic attack but then they noticed that Alex wasn’t in any kind of panic. John looked over and saw Lexi curled into a ball, seemingly out of shame “Lex.. it’s okay, you don’t need to apologize” and he gave him a sweet smile, but Alex still seemed to shy away.  
  
Laf and Herc decided to offer some hot chocolate to everyone and Laf encourage Herc to give it to Alex, “Laf he just had a panic attack and I’m pretty sure he’s still scared of me” Laf looked at his boyfriend and sighed “Fine, but he might’ve been less scared if you gave him something” and turned to go give Alex his hot chocolate. Alex looked at Lafayette for a straight minute before realizing he was being offered the mug “th-Thanks…” Laf just smiled “it was nothing mon ami”

  
The four just sat in silence sipping on their hot chocolate, Alex was still shaking a little but he seemed to be calmer now “b-before you guys ask-“ John interrupted Alex “Lex, you really don’t have too..” But Alexander continued nonetheless “I’m… I’m afraid of storms…” that was all Alex had said, and the others didn’t think anything of it. They all decided to never watch movies with storms or at least skip the storm, and the smallest of the four was grateful.  
John, Laf and Herc exchanged a gaze so they each knew not to bring up what Alex had said, because if he wasn’t ready to say anything they shouldn’t force him. The three seemed to notice that Alex had become less talkative again, and they really didn’t want Alex to stop speaking again. “Hey Lex, want some marshmallows?” Alexander cocked an eyebrow, though he didn’t say anything “mon ami, vous savez ce qu’il est une guimauve?” Alex was still confused, he whether french or English he had no clue what marshmallow was.  
John swiftly got up from his seat and with a quick “I’ll be back” left and came back with this bag of tiny gum sized.. cotton balls? John had grabbed a handful and put them in Alex’s hot chocolate, and with a look of pure confusion John had explained “they’re marshmallows, c’mon try it”. Alex obeyed and took a sip, it tasted like heaven “it’s.. it’s good” John just beamed at him “I knew you’d like it!” Though Alex was still a little jittery after the movie he tried his best to match John's bright energy.

  
Eventually John and Herc had to leave, so Alex and Laf were now alone in the dorm. Alex quickly switching to working on an essay due in 3 months, “mon ami, I’m going to go to the store, d’accord?” Alex turn around, nodded and went back to working, Laf could only think about how non-stop his roommate was as he left.

  
Alex had been working for about an hour when he heard a knock at the door, he assumed John or Herc had forgotten something and opened it slightly. In the doorway stood none other than Thomas Jefferson. Alex felt his heartbeat stop, didn’t Laf say that Thomas would never see him again?

  
**Guess you can’t trust anyone after all.**


End file.
